Ask Porno the Clown

Add - vice column. The submitted questions have had the writers' names omitted out or respect for privacy. But I laugh when I think of the names. Maybe some day they'll be printed, but not by me and I won't have a way of knowing how it happened. Here are some of the most recent questions from random readers:


QUESTION: I have a longing for a for a girl who just thinks of me as a friend. What should I do?

PORNO THE CLOWN: If it's longing enough, just ask if she wants to see it.

Q: I hurt my neck eating pussy last week. What do you suggest?

PTC: Have a chiropractor look at the neck. In the future, line her up at the foot of the bed with a pillow under the small of her back and one for your knees.

Q: If I'm dogging a woman and my legs are shorter than hers, how do I get and keep myself in her vag?

PTC: Get into the habit of adjusting her legs like a tripod. She may even have to get those legs far enough apart that you need a spreader to keep her knees from buckling.

Q: I think I'm getting smaller. How do I avoid falling out when I thrust too much?

PTC: I've asked a few of my shorter cuntsultants. In that case, it's not literally in and out. Just get in or have her help you in and just grind. Short thrusts. Very short. Also, if you finish at all make sure to help her along with your finger for a while. Your finger might be long enough to find a rough patch that is likely her g-spot.

Q: I didn't realize my hands had gotten as rough as sandpaper over the years and I have deadened the nerves in my johnson. I look down at my girlfriend and I realize that I am being blown. Should I tell her I don't feel anything?

PTC: No. Stop jerking it while dry. The skin might regenerate, and with it the nerves maybe after a painful few months. Don't bother telling her or she will think she is the problem. Listen to the way she fakes moans for your pleasure and imitate that, except not so girlishly.

Q: A woman I see has a boyfriend who refuses to have sex with her because he found out she was with some other guy. She's been without sex for a week. Should I bang her if she asks me for coffee?

PTC: If her boyfriend is not your friend - or you don't know him through her - and she wants you then it's all on her head. So yes. It's all a matter of respect. If she asks, that's only adultery for both of you in some parts of the world. She's not cheating on you anyway, just with you, except when she is on you. So don't judge her. And women change boyfriends over and over so there's nothing sacred about it. Husbands too change. Anyone she's not having sex with has nothing to betray.

Q: My buddy broke off with his girlfriend and now she has invited me over to her place to see an old Alfred Hitchcock movie and show me her stamp collection. Should I make a move? Or is that going against my friend?

PTC: Are you in high school, mind-fucking yourself that way? In a few years, you'll be lucky to hear from your buddy on Facebook. If you have a hard-on for the girl, that's what counts. And that's what will haunt you if you do nothing. If she becomes a friend later, fine. That will handle itself. If you do nothing, it's not out of loyalty to someone who dumped her or someone she dumped. It will be because you don't have the balls. Women expect you to be the sleaze, so they don't seem trampy. So you have the burden of going for it.

Q: I am 22 and just figured out that what I thought was a climax was just pre-cum. A dew drop on the tip. After being away from home in the Bible belt for a semester, I feel bubbly inside. I know that's old for starting college, but my theology degree wasn't getting me a job so I went away for chemical engineering. This gurgling in my gut resulted in a wet dream that really relaxed me. But then I spent way too much time after class rushing home to relax away the thoughts of all the city girls in my school. The skin lotion is working to take away the skin rash I got from friction. But how do I know when I'm doing this too much? Will I run out of God juice?

PTC: Every day is too much. Don't be relaxed all the time or you'll end up like the nerve endings guy. And if possible only have orgazms while having sex. If you're too much of a one-man show you become fickle. At least one of you has to need sex or it won't happen. Be frustrated and you'll find other people are frustrated as well, and your frustrations might be compatible. But nobody likes a jerk-off. I'm not saying don't ever do it, but it's just for emergencies. And forget the Something About Mary "cleaning the pipes." That shouldn't be done. It's better to be insane and channel that energy into charm or you'll forget the urgency and say something stupid that makes her think you think she is a sure thing and turns her off. Don't have a beer or a shot or a toke before performing brain surgery or the chess match of getting at the snatch. It's all respect.